Christmas is always very hard on me.
The theme for me seems to be "Christmas is the day where I am reminded that no one loves me but God."
The more I read online, the more I know and understand that there are many people in this world that have hurts and pains through the holidays just as I do. In a small way, that is comforting to know that I am not alone.
I'm often afraid to blog about my real life. I'm afraid because some people judge me as "needing help" and try to counsel me or tell me I need a counselor. I'm afraid that it isn't very "business professional" and would turn people away from subscribing to learn digital scrapbooking." I'm afraid of what others might think of me. I have to get over that low self-esteem thing all the time. I'm afraid that people will misread what I write because I do not give details in such a public venue. I'm afraid people will misread and think I am talking about them when I am not. All of these things have happened in the past.
However, I find God pulling me and tugging me to blog about real life me. I especially feel this when I know that other people may be needing to know that they are not alone in their problems and if I don't blog, others won't be comforted. I am not sure how God wants to use me, but I feel Him saying to me "type your thoughts for there are people who need to read them."
I try very hard to stay positive. I did fairly well this year until nearing the end of the day on Christmas Day. The yearly break-down happened and happened hard.
Today is the day after. Healing always begins on the day after.
The day after is always a new beginning, a new day to focus with a new attitude, a new day to find a new way to grow in Christ.
This morning I feel God telling me "keep letting go."
I've been for years focusing on this theme, but I hadn't realized that it was actually a theme until this morning.
I've been letting go of all of my hurts and pains in the past years, even if that means moving away from those who are causing me the pain. I just need a break from them so that I can let go of this pain.
The theme yesterday for everyone seemed to be "I just want someone to love me" and with everyone saying the same thing, why is it so hard for everyone to get together and just love each other. It is so "disconjointed."
In typing that word "disconjointed," I recalled that I've tried to type it before and the dictionary tells me it is not a word, yet it has always been in my vocabulary. I find "conjoined" means unity. "Disconjoined" would mean that there is no unity, but it is not in the dictionary either. "Conjoint" means "joined together," so surely disconjointed must be a form of this word meaning things not joined together.
With so many people hurting and wanting to be loved, why is it so hard for those people to be joined together. Could it be that "hurt people, hurt people?" Once you are a hurt soul, you are in a spiral downward cycle of passing on your hurts to others?
I think part of the problem is that hurt people feel they have to love the people that hurt them because it is the right thing to do. Loving people because you have to love people is so much different than what Christ would have us do. Christ would have us accept their flaws and find a way to love them as they are -- sinful people who don't know how to show they love others. That's "grace." That's what God gives us in His love. He forgives us and loves us regardless of our flaws. He accepts us as we are -- sinful people.
I'm human. It is not as easy for me to "keep letting go" all of these hurts and pains that bottle up my emotions, especially when things and people in my life bring back those pains and memories. Yes, I tell myself and I tell God, "I forgive them" and then I am fine and life is good and I am happy until that time when something brings back to mind those pains and hurts and then they all begin flooding back. Does this mean I haven't really forgiven? I don't think so. I don't need to get stuck into feeling bad on myself wondering whether or not I have forgiven.
I accept that I can and have forgiven, but that I am human and memories (both bad and good) cannot just be wiped from my brain like they can from a computer hard drive. As a human, I have emotions and memories trigger them. This doesn't mean that I still feel bitter towards the person causing those bad memories. It just means that I am a child of God who is in need of God, our true loving father, to comfort me and help me.
"Keep letting go," will be my theme for 2011 as I continue to grow closer to God. There are so many tangents this theme could take. I am letting go of my sons as they continue to mature and begin to step out on their own. I am letting go of pains. I am letting go of ideals and the way things should be. I am letting go of traditions and starting new ones. I am letting go of burdens and things that drag me down. I am letting go of worries. I am letting go of all things bad that have snuck into my life.
As long as I always remember to "never let go of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ," and instead turn to Him to help me let go of whatever it is I need to let go of, ask for his direction and wisdom, and follow Him, then I will be okay.
I pray that you too will never let go of the focus on the ONE that can help you through all the yucky stuff that this life holds.
If you are reading this, I pray for you. I pray that you too can hold fast to Your Lord and Savior and that He will guide you into "letting go" of everything that is not in His Will for you. I pray that you are able to focus on the things that you ♥ and revel in the joys of this world, as well as the true "Joy" with a capital J.