101. The Sign at the sanctuary entrance says, "Adult Supervision
Required."
100. The service in any way includes live chickens, especially
when the offering plate is passed.
99. You have to pass through a metal detector to get inside.
98. The scripture lesson is on "Jonah the Shepherd Boy and His Ark of Many Colors."
97. The choir performs "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" - as a polka!
96. It's over 100 degrees outside, and the trustees haven't approved turning on the air conditioning yet.
95. Everyone drives a nicer car than the pastor.
94. They believe that an elected official attending religious services is a violation of the separation of Church and state.
93. The preacher is wearing a tuxedo done in Real Tree Cammo.
92. The sign out front says "First Church of the Gooey Death and Discount House of Worship." (In Del Rio, Texas?)
91. A week before Christmas the pastor announces the church will be "closed for the holidays." (Actually happened).
90. At least one person isn't sitting on the back row.
89. They sing all of their hymns all the way through without skipping a verse in at least one during the service.
88. The announcements are read without any additions or corrections!
87. Everyone agrees the temperature in the Sanctuary is absolutely perfect!
86. You're on your way to a wedding and walk in on a funeral (or vice versa).
85. The music director has you sing "Amazing Grace" in a round (a la row row row your boat).
84. Three words: Pastor Larry King.
83. The pastor is out of town, but he leaves a video taped message to be shown during worship service. (Hey, our pastor did this last week).
82. The church picnic will be held at KFC this year.
81. You are a member of AARP but they ask you to attend "Children's Church."
80. There's no "Reserved For Minister" parking place, only a sign saying 'Visiting preachers can shelter their horses in the stable stall marked 'preacher'.
79. You can't hear the preacher because of all the women in the congregation clicking their knitting needles together.
78. The sign out front says "Church-Lite: Home of the original ten minute Sermonette, and the 7.5 Percent Tithe."
77. Every illustration the preacher uses somehow refers to "those hilarious Budweiser frogs".
76. The missions budget just got cut in half, but the church treasurer just bought a "kickin'" new Harley.
75. the Elders Council "prayer meetings" usually break up in a fight for the remote control.
74. New "Purpose-Driven" mission statement includes vague reference to jello-wrestling.
73. Most frequent complaint to worship committee: "Too much Charo, not enough Elvis."
72. New head greeters: Mike Tyson and WWF President Vince McMahon.
71. On your second Sunday as a visitor they ask you to be their pastor. (This really happened)
70. On the offering envelopes is printed "Please make checks payable directly to the pastor."
69. The usher that meets you at the door says "Hurry on in, the show is about ready to start."
68. The announcements last 20 minutes and include the starting time of the afternoon's NASCAR Race, the sermon lasts 6 minutes, and the benediction is "Christians, start your engines."
67. The pastor wears his golf togs in the pulpit.
66. The organist is Boris Karloff or appears to be his stunt double.
65. The floral arrangement on the altar is in the shape of a big horseshoe... that reads "Hollywood Park."
64. The acolytes are Roasting hot dogs and marshmallows over the altar candles.
63. A Hazmat team just sealed the doors and placed quarantine signs up.
62. People in the last 3 pews are yelling for more pepperoni pizza with anchovies. (Implying that it would be OK without anchovies?).
61. The 'choir' is wearing surgical scrubs and taking tissue samples.
60. Everyone is handcuffed together at the ankles before preaching starts (implying that being handcuffed at the ankles after preaching starts is OK?).
59. They're having a church raffle and the first prize is your house. The second prize is your car with your kids still in it.
58. You get a phone call from their national telemarketer on Monday trying to sell you Bibles at a discount by the case.
57. You are asked to fasten your seatbelt before the service begins moving.
56. You are told your offering is nice but the ushers want your wallet, watch and wedding rings too.
55. You are the only person in the sanctuary and it's 15 minutes after church is scheduled to start (Whoops, that's for the "you know you're at church at the wrong time" list).
54. All the ushers name tags are written S.A. Tan.
53. The visitation committee is made up entirely of a leather clad motorcycle gang, because they've found it helps "encourage" visitors to return.
52. The confessional has a coin slot and a hand lever.
51. The baptismal fount has bubbling water, is large enough to hold two or three seated adults and looks suspiciously like a jacuzi.
50. There is a spittoon at the end of each pew (Unless it is a "Cowboy" church).
49. The pastor search committee never disbands.
48. If the pastor's home is bigger than the sanctuary.
47. You have to tip the usher to get a good seat right up front...
46. Four Words: Associate Pastor Don King (Yes, and still without a comb).
45. The pastor is introduced with a Johnny Carson style "Heeeeere's Sparky."
44. Just before the sermon, cups of strong black coffee are distributed along the pews.
43. The minister falls asleep while delivering his own sermon.
42. The ushers passing around the offering basket are wearing ski masks and carrying guns.
41. The band for the services has a tip jar on the loudspeaker and all the songs are about money.
40. The free nursery is run by former circus sideshow performers who illustrate lessons using the tattoos of Bible Stories on their arms.
39. They ask if you have a passport and they want you to travel to another country to join them for the "evening" service.
38. They have a life-sized figurine of Rajneesh behind the altar.
37. They have a volunteer blood drive in the morning service- that is to be used for some vague purpose in the evening service.
36. When you ask if someone forgot to pay the light bill they say -no.
35. Instead of having a baptism before service, they have a branding.
34. They Don't have at least one person who prays in King James English.
33. The Bible they use is the Dr. Suess version
32. The Choir wears black leather robes
31. They have Karaoke worship time (We do this EVERY sunday)
30. The only song the organist knows is 'Inna-gadda-da-vida'
29. The sanctuary has only entrances, no "exits"!
28. The ushers look mysteriously like "Men in Black"! (Yes, with sunglasses)
27. The offering plate has been passed three times and the sermon hasn't even begun yet.
26. The people in the pew next to you brought a sack lunch.
25. The bulletin has advertisements for THE GUNS AND GUTS TAVERN with the the Sunday ROAD KILL Buffett!
24. The acolyte is the youngest member of the congregation, and she is 78.
23. The pastor's sermon begins: "Let me tell you about my book."
22 .The music minister announces that the liturgy will be sung to the tune of "Wagner's Etude in F sharp minor" and raises his baton.
21. The pastor announces that the sanctuary is too warm for robes and removes his to reveal a pair of speedos underneath.
20. When the choir sings the dogs outside begin to howl, and are closer to being in tune.
19. New member candidates are required to submit W-2's for the last 10 years.
18. The media refers to the church facilities as a "compound".
17. You discover the church refers to the 10 commandments as the 10 suggestions or offers to let you "pick any six."
16. The chancel cross has been replaced with a bronze pyramid.
15. The Pastor preaches an eloquent sermon on ancient heresies and the elders want to make them part of the doctrinal statement.
14. The New Member's kit includes a certificate of membership, a Bible, church-by-laws, and an assault rifle.
13. The Pastoral Search Committee announces that they discovered a great candidate except for one thing--- she's divorced.
12. the Deacons are all sitting on the front row and wearing Nazi uniforms.
11. You're the only person in the congregation who is carrying a Bible, including the preacher.
10. The Ushers ask "Smoking or nonsmoking?"
9. The Regular pastoral retreats almost always seem to be in either Las Vegas or Atlantic City.
8. The Church bus has a gun rack
7. Instead of the King James Version, pastor uses a copy of "The Shooter's Bible."
6. There's an ATM machine in the vestibule.
5. Worship services are BYOS: Bring Your Own Snake.
4. One of the deacons keeps insisting he's STILL married to
Carmen Electra.
3. The Ministry staff consists of Pastor, Assistant Pastor, and socio-pastor.
2. Members of the Women's quartet are all married to the pastor.
...and the number one sign you might be in the wrong church...
'They have open Communion ...but there is a two-drink minimum